When you buy a house there are things that will break, need repair, that are hidden, unknown problems. You can’t know about them, because they haven’t happened yet. Through no fault of your own, just in your living your daily life; brushing your teeth, washing your hair, what lies beneath begins to deteriorate. Weather.
Through the investigative process to find said issue, you will learn things about the world of plumbing you never knew you HAD to know. For example, Shower Pan, hot pad, waste line vs water line, how they connect below, raised foundation or slab.
It’s irrelevant that in the preliminary house inspection, prior to you buying the house, it passed. Things happen. Over time, things change. Pipes rot, weeds grow, life happens.
Life happens. The good, the bad and the ugly.
So, just as I could not know what I could not see: underground or in the walls, or the wind storm that’s about to cause the fence to fall or the cancer that slowly took my uncle’s life. I’ve learned that the only way to grow, to evolve is through hardship. When things aren’t easy. I was going to write according to plan. What plan? Who’s plan? It’s more like according to lies, isn’t it?
Though, I realize those lies were meant to protect us from pain and suffering. Why would we want to avoid that which will make us stronger, better, more evolved.
The sting of honesty is painful only temporarily. Compared to years of living a life fearful of knowing, fearful of asking questions because the outcome might not be easy to hear or to take.
It’s become so clear to me how much of my life I’ve spent in the shadows. Despite everything I’ve already been through, there’s still more? Yep, there is. To be fair, I was placed in the dark, for protection, by family, that also thought it better to be safe than to “know”, cuz knowing is not safe. Once you know you can never go back. Plus: you cannot teach what you do not know.
I no longer have resentment to them who wanted to protect me. I know it’s my responsibility to redirect the course of my life to share what I know, what I’ve learned, to all who come after me.
There is no fault in not knowing. There is only learning. No blame, “no should’ves” - only growing.
I was taught it’s not safe to ask questions, to be assertive, to have a voice, to speak of boundaries. I was taught that my body, that the me that is all of me, was not mine. I did not belong to me.
Well, who the hell is going to protect me then? Not you. Through no real fault of your own, you can not, because you simply do not know how.
Asking questions is a right, not a privilege. Using your voice is a privilege too few of us use. I can no more control the pipes leaking in my bathroom than the ideas some have about using my voice. Or my body.
But, I can use my voice. It is safe for me to use my voice, because I am safe in my own body. I can dream, and plan and hustle. I can protect my children and myself using my voice. The voice that has always asked questions, that has always challenged the status quo, the voice that says no. I can say NO. I don’t have to be nice about it. Though, I usually am.
I can plant seeds for my future. I can practice abundancy. I can remain positive in a toxic, negative world. I can protect my boundaries, despite the pushiest of humans.
Seeds take time to grow, so be patient, I tell myself, with this new understanding, that feels like I’ve been hit by the speed of light.
How ridiculously delicious to be hit with such profundity all because I asked the simple question: "what the hell is a shower pan?".